March 1 2010

My Change of Heart or Is This What the Fruit Tastes Like?

For many years I have had a desire to heal from the effects of abuse and neglect that plagued my family during my early years. I heard talks on forgiveness and repentance and didn't understand how those concepts could heal me.  As shattered lives and difficult relationships become worsened because of the selfish acts of others, I yearned for healing.

Because of difficult years in my early youth I had become hard and angry.  I could see that my attitude was not helping me become who I wanted to be. I wanted to be a peacemaker and find joy in life. I wanted to enjoy the blessings of being a faithful member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and I felt something was missing.

My relationships with others continued to worsen as I found fault in others. In my mind, no one was ever good enough. I knew people who were trying to live the gospel standards and would fall short. I could see mistakes people made and their mistakes frustrated me. I was miserable.

Late at night as I stayed up praying to God for some relief of my frustrations, I read and pondered the scriptures. I felt the Lord was telling me to repent.  I read 2 Nephi 30:2.  This and many other references to repentance seemed to be instructing me.  But I wasn't the one with the problems, I thought. Night after night I read the Book of Mormon and felt the words of the scriptures telling me to repent.

Finally, I gave in. I began to repent. I began asking Heavenly Father to forgive me for finding so much fault in others. I wanted to feel peace. The atonement of Jesus Christ became active in my life and I felt a change of heart. I felt my wounds of the past mistakes of others heal. I began to feel peace. The realization that if I couldn't forgive others I would become what I hated so much became obvious. Understanding enlightened my mind.  The concepts of turning the other cheek and showing patience and love instead of anger and revenge was a whole new process I had not understood. This repentance process continued for several nights as the Lord revealed my faults to me and I plead for the healing balm only He can give.

My eyes began to open to the sweet fruit of the gospel. I understood that no one is perfect. Everyone has some good traits and qualities. I had been forgiven and could finally forgive others. The more time I spend looking for the good in others, the more peace I feel. It's fun to share these ideas with others and feel hope.  As the scriptures say through the atonement of Christ our faults are washed away. Jesus heals us by magnifying our good qualities if we look to Him for forgiveness.

Because of Jesus Christ I don't feel so much anger or resentment. My old habits are being changed. Now I can lift other's burdens by helping them see the good in themselves. I am finding the peace the gospel brings. I enjoy it so much it tastes good.